She never blamed him.

Never.

At one point she blamed herself

But if there was one thing she learned from him 

Is that you can’t go changing hearts.

But every time she thought about this she’d laugh

Because she knew that he was a hypocrite

She knew because he had come out of the blue

And he had turned her world around.

He had changed her heart. For the better.

And she loved him for it.

Every minute of everyday,

She loved him.

It was only so long that she could live with

telling herself that it was meant to be.

That things were better that way,

That he had his reasons for leaving.

She tried her hardest to be happy without him.

But it became unbearable

Not knowing

Not understanding 

Not waking up to the comfort of his arm around her waist

Not feeling his warmth making her feel like the safest person in the world.

Without him she could not be strong.

Although she understood it too well.

She knew in her head before hand 

She knew that everything he did

Was to prepare her for when he left.

But all that knowing

Just didn’t make it hurt less.

She knew that trying to find him would be futile.

She knew that it was absurd.

Absurd to search for

He who wants not to be found

He who had no name

He who had no identity

He who lives to not be chased.

She knew that he had his reasons.

But she would be selfish about it

She would chase him

She thought to herself that she would chase him forever.

And so her search began…

His search had become long and arduous.

For two months now he had been searching

Yearning to find her, 

Hold her again.

He could not hold to his prior convictions,

He could not do what he promised himself,

He could not stay away,

From her.

But after a year an a half,

After he had finally decided to return,

She was nowhere in sight.

The apartment was empty

The place where they had shared all their time together

Now lay bare, nothing but a shell

And it made his heart break to look at it.

He swallowed his pride

Went to the large mansion that lay on in the middle

Of the more ‘prestigious’ side of town.

To find the one he loves

He would face anyone,

Even her parents.

But her father knew nothing of her location and

Instantly dismissed him from his home.

But as he left the mansion with his head down.

Her mother came running after him

Holding in her hand a paper.

It was a letter from her

She had left it for her parents to find.

I’ve gone to search for him.

The man I truly love with all my heart.

I don’t know if I can really find him.

Or how long it may take.

I don’t even know his name.

But I know I won’t give up.

Even if it means never returning here.

Mother, I’m terribly sorry.

I truly am.

He teared up with every word her read.

She’d been searching for him.

Ever since her birthday.

She had been searching.

Her mother began to cry.

She look up at him and pleaded

‘Please find her

Find my daughter for me.’

He told her that he would try

But even if he did

there’s no guarantee that he can make her come back.

Her mother smiled.

‘I don’t want you to force her to return.

All I want from you

Is to find my daughter,

And make her happy 

Like she deserves be

Like she hasn’t been for so long without you’

She held his hand with both her hands.

‘Can you do that for me?’

He smiled back.

‘Of course I can.’

And so began his search.

There was this time.

When her father came to visit.

Her father didn’t know that she was living with him at the time.

And when her father came he wasn’t home.

…

Her father was a man of few words.

Seemingly nice but truly the cruelest of men.

A man who didn’t speak much but when he did.

Her heart would sink so far.

Her father was worse than her mother.

And he terrified her.

This visit was no different.

This visit was no better.

Without even uttering words.

Her father, using only gestures and shrewd sounds.

Had managed to display utter disappointment at her life.

And she would die every time.

But what she truly feared.

Was that HE would return while her father was still there.

And he did.

He came into the house.

With a smile.

Playing nice and being friendly.

To this man that he’d never met.

Her father took a quick glance at him.

Refused to return his handshake.

Quickly turns to her.

On her father’s face was just.

An utter look of disgust.

So powerful was her father’s glare that she had started tearing up.

He didn’t know what to do about her father.

But her father made a final gesture of emotional cruelty.

Pulled out a wallet, threw money on the table.

Said. “Don’t bother calling your mother or I until further notice.”

“We’ll be busy.”

And stormed out.

As the sound of her father’s car waned.

She just stood there.

Completely still.

Tears streaming down her face.

He walked towards her.

“Listen. he can’t….”

She stopped him mid sentence.

“Don’t just don’t.

He always does this.

My Whole life has been nothing but.

A joke to him.

And he comes in here.

And makes me believe that he just might be right.

It’s funny isn’t it?

How one man can make me feel like trash.

Like I’m so utterly useless.

Like there is this massive problem.

Like there is something so wrong with me.

And there is isn’t there?

I’m such a problem.

Just leave me alone for now ok.

Just don’t talk.”

Tears still dripping from her cheeks.

She calmly walked into the bedroom.

And stayed there for the rest of the night.

He slept on a deck chair on the balcony that night.

…

The next day she just.

Stayed in bed.

And wouldn’t respond to anything he’d say.

So he kissed her on the forehead.

Picked her up.

Bathed her.

Clothed her.

Fed her.

All while she had the same blank look on her face.

He drove her.

To this park.

No one was around. 

Three in the afternoon.

She finally broke her silence.

“What are we doing here?”.

With not an ounce of emotion.

“Just come with me”.

So he led her.

And they come to a large lake.

And on the shore was a small boat.

He helped her into the boat.

And rowed them out to the middle of the lake.

“What are we doing here seriously?”.

Even though she glared at him.

He would just stare back.

With such a happy smile on his face.

And said.

“Look. look around.

There is no one in sight.

I mean.

Look at where we are.

No people.

No land.

Just us.

So tell me.

How do you feel.

How you feel where we are?

Here we truly are the only people.

The only people in the world.

So then.

What your father says.

What anyone says.

What has happened in the past.

It really doesn’t exist here.

All that matters here are you.

And me.

And you want to know I say?.

I say.

That you. Are nothing short of a miracle.

That has happened to this world.

You. Are nothing but pure beauty.

That it hurts for me not to be around you.

You. Are the funniest and most witty person.

That we can just sit and talk for hours.

And if I had my way.

I’d spend all my hours of all my days of all my weeks of all my years.

Of all my life.

With you.

You. Are not trash.

You. Are not useless.

You make me so happy and feel so lucky to even know you.

And I wouldn’t change you for anything in the world.

That I promise you.”

She was crying.

And said.

“But you’ve always felt that way.

It doesn’t count.”

“So tell me how you feel then.

If what I say doesn’t count. 

Then as the only other person here.

What you say will count.

So tell me.

What do you feel?”

“I can’t just feel different.

It’s not that easy.

You say all these sweet things.

But in the end.

Even if its just the two of us.

I know that you’d still know how ugly I am.

If not me, then how ugly my family is.

How Ugly my life is.

And it really does.

Make me feel like crap.”

He was stunned.

His mind was racing for the next move.

So he grabbed her shoulders.

And kissed her lips in the sweetest of manners.

“We’ll then lets deduct that factor from the equation!”

And with that he jumped out of the boat.

Into the lake.

Treading the water he said.

“So now theres no one to think that!

It’s just you.

So you can exist there.

Knowing what I said about you.

Knowing that it’s all true.

So tell me.

How do you feel?”

Her look of worry slowly turned into a smile.

Which then turned into laughter.

And she laid back in the boat.

Laughing at him.

He held onto the side of the boat.

“You are amazing”.

She said.

“Only because. You deserve nothing less”.

She leaned over the side of the boat.

And they kissed.

Theres a photo.

One he keeps in his wallet at all times now.

One that no one knows he has.

When it rains, he takes it out.

And remembers her.

Remember that time when he had only known her for a short while.

They were sitting in the park.

And he was being casual.

And she was being shy, holding her knees and looking down at the ground.

He asked her to relax a bit.

And it triggered a confession.

She told him.

That he made her feel so warm.

That he made her feel so safe.

That he made her feel so strong.

That she could defeat anything.

And she made him fall in love with her all over again.

And he would never want her to stop feeling this way.

He’d always want her to feel happy.

But he would eventually leave. 

And  he knew it.

So from then on.

He worked hard to make her feel that way.

He worked hard to make sure she could feel like that all the time.

Even without him.

That she could just be happy.

Knowing that there was someone out there who loved her.

And it truly was a difficult task.

But one he wouldn’t change for anything.

And it was only when he achieve that goal.

That he left.

But before he did.

He made sure to stake a photo of her.

On the morning of her birthday.

She was sound asleep.

At first he would just leave.

But he caught a glimpse of her.

He beautiful face.

A face contented. 

Now even in her sleep she was happy.

And he had to take a photo.

Now whenever it rains.

Or whenever he finds himself alone.

He’ll pull out this photo.

And it’ll remind him.

Of that beautiful sunny day at the park.

And how she managed to make him.

Fall in love with her for a second time.

She got another letter. From her parents.

While she lives away she gets one every two months or so.

And before she met him, these letters would always make her cry.

Not because she missed home or any of that nonsense.

But always because he parents were so critical.

Her mother was nothing but a high society harpy.

And every letter came the barrage that she had grown up with.

We love you but you really shouldn’t be on your own.

You’re not ready to live by yourself.

You don’t dress like a proper lady.

You don’t look like a proper lady should.

I highly doubt you’re eating or sleeping properly.

We just want whats best for you.

After twenty odd years of hearing this.

Knowing that it won’t change.

Really would reduce her to tears.

***

Last year while He was still around.

She got one of these letters.

She didn’t notice but he watched her.

Every second of it.

As she sat there, stared at the letter.

Slowly opened it.

And as she read it, tearing up.

Holding onto the letter so tight that it’d scrunch up.

And read aloud. Until she could not bear to read anymore.

He would have comforted her. But he knew that even he couldn’t pretend.

Feign empathy for what she was feeling.

So he let her do what she needed to. Just for that moment.

The next day she stayed in bed. into the night.

He came into the room and she instantly turn away from him.

‘Don’t look at me, I don’t have any makeup on I’m hideous!’

He walked onto the bed and kissed her on the shoulder.

Got up and picked her up in his arms.

‘What are you doing?! Put me down please don’t take me anywhere I look ugly!’

He didn’t say a word.

He just smiled. And carried her out of the apartment and up the stairs.

Onto the roof.

He walked out onto the roof.

And she saw it.

He had lay down fake grass and a deck chair.

And a picnic was prepared.

She jumped out of his arms and kissed him.

‘Oh dear my breath must be terrible!’

‘Not at all, I love your taste’.

He sat down and she sat on him. Eating a sandwich.

After the food was done.

She lay onto of him. Smiling.

He was staring at her and smiling.

‘Don’t look at me! I have no makeup on!’

And covered her face with her hands.

‘I don’t care about that, really I don’t.

All that makeup does is cover up the face of the beautiful girl behind it’.

He moved her hand from her face. They kissed.

Then he told her.

“Look at the stars.

There are so many up there aren’t there?

And they are so far away.

Yet we can see them.

every night.

They shine in the most beautiful of manners.

It truly is amazing.

But, do you think that maybe.

If we started favouring one over the other.

If we started to say demeaning things about one.

That it’ll get hurt?

That it would just. Stop shining?

That would be such a shame.

And we’re lucky they don’t.

Because no matter what people say.

It shouldn’t matter. It’s all way too insignificant.

Something so beautiful.

Should not let that which is so insignificant. Affect it so.

And they are beautiful.

They all are so very beautiful.

Do you understand what I’m saying?

Don’t let the insignificant. Stop you.

Don’t let it get in your way.

Or tell you you can’t. Don’t ever let that happen.’

She started crying. Leaned up and kissed him.

And they spent the night up there.

And from that night on.

Whenever she got a letter from her parents.

She read it. Laughed. And threw it away.

What was left for him?

He couldn’t go back. Not after breaking her heart.

He is a coward.

and this was his life really.

He couldn’t have friends.

He couldn’t have family.

Because he’d end up hurting them.

But in the end. Hes tried in the past and every time.

They end up hurting him.

Life is just funny like that.

How can you be civil when. In all.

You are caught in a vicious cycle.

Hurt those people. Feel guilty.

Don’t hurt those people. Get hurt.

Who can attain the kind of mental state required to deal with that?

Some people are just idiot. He thinks.

Convinces himself. This is what must be done.

And he may well be right.

Sometimes. After we try so hard. We find.

That we simply cannot try anymore.

Thats the code he lived by.

Lie to those people but never to himself.

If he cannot try anymore.

It was over.

Besides. They’re better off not knowing him.

Sometimes he wished he didn’t even know himself.

But thats all that ever happens.

And now he’s gone and hurt this.

Spectacular, wonderful, amazing, stunning girl.

He hurt her so much.

And unlike in the past. He simply.

Can’t get over it.

Maybe this is my punishment.

Maybe I deserve to feel this way forever.

That’s what he thought…

On the train to the next town.

It had been almost a year now.

A whole year she had endured without his company.

Yet his face, his smile, his touch, was so fresh in her mind.

She still longed for him.

And everything reminded her of him.

Tomorrow is her birthday.

Since she could remember she hated her birthdays.

Her parents would always throw some over the top party.

That no one but family would show up to.

Every year it was worse than the last.

Until one year when she refused to dress up.

When she refused to play nice.

With the fake smiling faces.

With the sycophantic little money hungry bastards.

All of whom she was supposed to call ‘family’.

She had only one birthday when she had enjoyed herself.

Didn’t remember all the crappy days from the past.

She woke up to the sound of soft violin cascading off the walls of their apartment.

But he was nowhere in sight.

By then it was already late morning.

She noticed a small note on the bedside table.

Look out on the balcony.

Tied to the balcony rail was a rope that led to a package.

The package was floating.

It was tied to balloons.

Floating like a marvelous beacon in the blue sky.

It made her notice. It was a beautiful Blue sky. A great day.

Excitedly she pulled the package in.

Still in her White tank top and shorts.

The people from the buildings across the road watched.

Watched as the package reached her grasp.

But she did not want to share this with anyone.

So she had taken the package inside.

Scissors had ensured that her apartment roof was now decorated with balloons.

Every colour you can think of.

Her every thought. Every moment. Was done so with a smile she had never had.

She carefully opens the perfectly wrapped blue box.

Inside was a Sparkling blue-diamond necklace.

and a letter.

Remember how we’d go to the roof?

And watch the stars that turned the night sky into magic?

There is nothing on this earth that I could give you,

To show how much you mean to me. So instead.

I pucked a star out of the sky.

and let it rest on your beautiful neck.

Let it remind you that. I’ll always love you.

And while you wear that star. It will be your guiding light.

Away from harm.

Away from hurt.

Towards Happiness.

I hope you know. That I do really care.

And I’m sorry.

Sincerely yours~Forever and always.

She dropped the necklace and letter.

Ran to the closet.

All his things were gone.

She spent the next few days on the floor.

Holding the Necklace and letter tightly to her chest.

~

But that was almost a year ago.

Although she still sheds a tear when she thinks about it.

She just grasps her very own star.

And she can’t help but be happy.

Be happy because.

He had come. And He’d made her smile.

In such a way she’d never smiled in her entire lifetime.

That was the greatest gift he had given her that day.

One that she’d never forget.

Tomorrow is her birthday.

“It’s going to be a great day~”

She thought. 

He was lost.

For months now he has been lost.

And it frightened him.

Hes never been this way.

Although he didn’t always know where he was going.

He always knew where he was. And why he was there.

Why?

Because he was smart.

He can’t tell you anything about atoms or space or politics.

But he could talk. He could talk a great talk.

And people would hang on his every word.

And that’s how he’s lived his life until then.

Talking the talking. Traveling the road.

Making money off those who fell his victim.

He had gotten used to telling the great lie.

The lie of his name.

“My name is Tom”. “My name is David”. “Alexander”.

He even wrote his real name down.

On a cloth his mother had given him. So he’d never forget.

But.

For the first time those few months ago.

He could not utter the great lie. 

When he met her. He could hardly speak as it was.

She was the epitome of all that he never knew he wanted.

She made him feel better.

She made him feel warm.

She made him feel… like a real person.

One real person. No facade.

But for that life moment that they were together.

He had this everlasting guilt.

Simply because he knew it could not last.

He would leave like he did.

Because this was all he knew. This life.

The life of being many people.

It was the right decision. But he regrets it every waking hour.

“I wonder what she’s doing now” he thought.

“I hope she’s ok.”.

The Man.

The man had been a nuisance for quite some time.

If her parents weren’t so pedantic. She wouldn’t even be here.

But that man infuriates her.

She. 

The one who opted not to share feelings with anyone her whole life.

And succeeded until the day she met ‘him’.

In that brief life moment. She shared EVERYTHING with him.

All that she was, all that made her who she is.

He knew it all.  And she knew almost nothing about him.

Not even his name, but she didn’t care.

He was all she needed.

And Now.

This Man.

Wants to just suddenly somehow take his place?

She had that idea in her head. And it filled her with rage.

And she had snapped in her head.

That moment she watched in slow motion as that man uttered his useless words.

And, as in a flash, She had already thrown herself from her chair.

Pushed that man onto the floor. 

And Wrapped her hands tightly around that man’s neck.

It was the first time her delicate, soft hands had been used in such way.

But her hatred for that man made it easy for her to tighten her grip.

For the first time in her life.

She was in control of her life.

And even more so.

The life of that man.

The Man was a fake.

She knew it from the beginning.

A hired ear from which her parents would most likely hear things like:

“Her condition is serious” and “I’ll have to continue seeing her”.

He just wanted their money. And her parents had no problem paying him.

“It’s been months now… how do you feel?”

She would tell that man the same thing every time.

She misses him.

“And you can’t tell me his name? Or where he lives? Anything about him at all…”

Nothing.

All she knew was that.

She grew up feeling alone, away from everyone and everything.

Apart from her parents and family.

Apart from her school peers.

Apart from reality.

She had grown up not knowing what it was like to feel loved.

Until she met him. Until he held her close.

But now hes gone… 

Although she didn’t know his real name.

This was the first time shes ever felt  like he was a stranger.

She cried.

He thought about how out of character his little outburst was.

Or perhaps, that one moment was when he truly was being himself.

She wouldn’t calm down.

He couldn’t comfort her. He wanted to.

But he knew that tonight and probably a few more…

He’d be sleeping alone.

He managed to make her smile.

So she asked him who he was.

He knew he could never tell her the truth.

So all he said was “Someone who cares”.

Which partially… was the truth.

But she was so different. So special and Magnificent.

That he didn’t know if his caring was good enough…